I love Tennis (and Tom)

Tom Cruise stopped by yesterday. I was just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rang. Had I known he was at the door I woulda brought my shades with me cause as soon as I turned the knob and pulled, I was damn near blinded by the light from his perfect smile. He was grinning like the mad hatter and I nearly passed out. If you didn't know it, I (heart) Tom Cruise! Me likee mucho.

Of course, I invited him in and just stared at him for the first 15 minutes he was here. He was talking and mentioned something about Scientology, but all I heard was the waves rushing around in my head. He kept trying to push me to sit down, but I was frozen so solid, I fell backwards and hit my head on the kitchen table! I'll tell you one thing, blood falling into your eyes will snap you back to reality in a hurry! Tom was such a gentleman. He ran into the bathroom and grabbed the only towel that was there. Unfortunately, I'd just used that one to take care of some personal bizness, but oh well, it was mine. He made a funny face, sniffed the towel, and then moaned deeply, making such a sexually charged face, I nearly jumped him then and there!

After I got all cleaned up and was sitting with an icepack over my left eye, I asked about Katie and little baby Suri. Tom went on about how Suri is a brat and the pictures in the magazines are really a misrepresentation. She was a little devil, he said. The whole time he was talking, he was rubbing my shoulder in a soothing way. It felt nice, although I was really kinda bummed that that little angel of his was a brat.

I told him that normally I'd have to be pried with a crowbar away from his magnificent presence, but that I was getting ready to go play some tennis. Lo and behold, Tom Cruise is a tennis fanatic. He was once the president of the tennis team in college and he was so good that nobody would play with him after a while. He made sure I knew that THAT was the reason and that it had nothing to do with the shower incident where he was caught peeping through the hole in the wall. I told him I believed him entirely. He said he'd love to join me. I was beside myself. Me play tennis with Tom Cruise! Shut the front door!

But I got too excited too quickly. The whole time I was hitting the ball, Tom was talking about how I wasn't moving fast enough, I didn't keep my eye on the ball, and I just needed to get the molasses out my ass! I mean I love me some Tom, but after a while, I kinda got fed up! And after he came over and slapped me across the face cause I couldn't get the serve in the right service box, I had had enough! I marched over to him and looked him square in his face. And you know what I did? I leaned in and grabbed his face and planted the biggest, wettest kiss Tom Cruise has ever had in his life! That'll teach him to call me a "tennis tragedy".

He looked like he was stunned at first, but all of a sudden he broke into a smile so big it scared me, really. I backed up a little bit and Tom went to groping for me. I started running round the tennis court with Tom Cruise on my tail and he was gasping like a little school girl. I yelled back at him if he didn't stop chasing me, I was gonna call Katie and make her divorce him! Didn't stop him none. I told him if he didn't pump the brakes, I was gonna call those Scientology people and have him chanted on or something! When I said that, he caught up to me, gave my crotch a good grope and said something like "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" Eeesh, I thought as he threw me on the ground and molested me thoroughly.

He's moving in on Sunday. Katie and the baby will come over every now and then to play tennis sometimes. I still think Suri's the cutest baby in Hollywood. Funny how things happen, ain't it?