Watch out! Feelin' something!

I consider myself to be an extremely lucky person. And when I look at it, “lucky” can mean any of the following: blessed, touched, favored or just plain disillusioned. But, the one thing I know for sure: I am happy. I appreciate my life so much, and I live everyday with that firm appreciation. I have always lived for that one emotion. I love to laugh and I appreciate every moment that I get to do it. Not enough people in the world live in that space and I think we would live in such a better world if that were the case. Too many people live in the space of “what if” or “I wish I would have” or “I didn't, so my life is not..”. What if we all just gave up all that, and lived in the space of “here's what I do have”, “from this moment on, I can..” or just “my time is now”.

Happiness is, of course, defined differently by every individual, but not enough people focus on those things that provide that happiness: well, other than the obvious sick-minded, psychopathic individuals who get off doing retarded shit. So many of us focus on what makes us unhappy, or what our problems are. I've always been the kind of person to look at whatever it is that's making me unhappy and find a way to make it work. How do I turn that thing around so that it's not the end of the world? I've had many setbacks in my life, but I don't regret any of it. I know that bad/hurtful/unpredictable things will happen and I know that those things, although they are a part of my past, don't mean they will be a part of my future.

Even though there are so many things that I could find negative about my life, like not having a high paying job or not having a fulfilling relationship or a great house and car, I choose to think about the fact that I'm blessed to be able to look out of my window, feel the breeze as it blows through, or rub baby oil against my smooth skin; feel the rain as it falls on my head, watch the waves as they ripple across the lake down the block. I've always been someone who finds the good and the positive in things and it's given me such an appreciation for everything. I just don't make time for regret or anger or negativity. What's the purpose? We all get to choose how we live. Nobody can tell me I should be mad about something or hateful toward someone. I'm the only one that gets to decide how I live. And I choose to be happy.

Every day of my life is spent in the pursuit of happiness. I look at my life and see the beauty in it, despite some of the choices I've made and some of the situations I've been in, and it makes me smile knowing that I've gone through all that I have and yet, I'm still the optimistic, fun-loving person that I've always been. What's so great about not being rich, and not having a career that I love right now? Laughing with friends who love me, catching the giggles from watching a baby's hysterical laughter, being able to drink a great glass of wine when I get home from work. Life is so full of tragedy, and what's the point of adding to any of it. Live a life that you appreciate.

In my life and in my environment, I want to spread positivity. I want to be an example of how living your life can be fulfilling in the face of all the crap that we're surrounded with everyday. I am constantly striving for things in my life. Sure, I want a college degree! Of course, I want a man to be with me in a loving and ridiculously silly relationship! Why wouldn't I want to make a shit load of money! All I'm saying is that while I work on all of those things, I still maintain that my life is about happiness now. My life is about having the best time I can in the time that I have it. When I die, I will definitely be able to say, I LOVED IT. I haven't traveled the world extensively, but oh, how I've laughed....and danced....and lived to the fullest.

So many people have come in and out of my life, both good and bad, and I'd like to think that I have given them a part of myself that they will remember as a ray of light; a bright and shiny ray of genuine positivity. As I sit here, I can think of so much negative energy that I've had in my life and it's a wonder that I'm not more of a bitter, hateful bitch. I think of Kenneth, who literally beat me up in the parking lot of Rumors, and Napoleon, who chased me across a major highway with a butcher knife. Even with all that drama, and believe me there's more where that came from, I should be one hateful S.O.B. But, something in me, doesn't operate that way. Maybe it's been the influence of my family, who've always been very happy, comedic people. I've always had such a great time with my relatives and there's never been a whole lot of drama. There's the occasional philanderer and there is Uncle Ray, who is just a bit of a drunk, but hey, even he was happy!

This post was just to express how blessed, lucky, happy I feel to be alive and to be in Darald Murray's skin. I try not to live any part of my life doing anything that I will regret 5 or 10 years down the line. I want to be able to say what I did, I did it because I wanted to. I did it because it was the thing that made me happy. And I'm sure there are some people who think the things that make you happy aren't always the things that are good for you. And to those people, I deliver a firm and saliva-filled raspberry. Good for who? If I chose it, it was good for me.

When I die, I will most certainly be able to say I was happy. No matter what else happens, in the long run, that's all that matters to me. On my tombstone, I would be completely honored if it said “he lived, he danced, he laughed”. And I want my funeral to be a party with dancing, laughing and singing and of course, eating awesome food! But, who's thinking about dying! I have a life to live...and I'm living it right this very second!!