I'm a BOHM (big ole hot mess)!

Good grief! I am so exasperated. I feel so helpless and completely lost in finding out what I wanna do. It's pathetic. I'm all gung-ho about being a writer, yeah? Ok, so listen to this! Monday night in our seminar, I had an epiphany. I realized that I'm not fulfilled in my job with SUPERVALU, which in turn led to deeper reflection. Ideally I want to be fulfilled and passionate about what I do everyday. One thing that I know I'm passionate about is music. So I started thinking about that.

I love to write, don't misunderstand me, but I'm challenged with the fact that it's kinda hard for me to sit down to write everyday, whereas everywhere I go, I have to have music. All day at work, in the morning when I wake up and in the evening when I'm not watching tv. What's that all about?! Is it because writing calls for work!? I'm such a lazy ass bum! I gotta figure this out; quickly! Should I be a songwriter? That would seem the logical thing, right? I'm thinking that's a great idea, but is that the real deal? Is that something I'm gonna realistically be able to do and be fulfilled doing it?

My goodness. It's sad to say, but at 39 years old, I still need guidance! I do know that I'm not fulfilled with what I do. I am certain that I can not continue to live my life the way I have been, going from job to job being good at something, but not being passionate enough to stay at it forever. I need a gig that's gonna make me wanna get outta bed every morning, skip to work and not be watching the clock, waiting impatiently til it's time to hit the door. That is no life of fulfillment. I want more, but how? What? I need a sabbatical or something! Just some time to get away and sit and think, and think and think.

I need a plan. I need a mentor. I need to take the bull by the horns and do something! Man, people are so lucky: those people who know what they want and know what to do to go get it. I consider myself to be a jack of all trades, but a master of none. Sure, I'm good at a lotta stuff, but I've not been focused significantly on one particular thing enough to excel at it. I guess that can be changed. Jared suggested that I get a degree to shut up the ghosts that are haunting me. In some way, I think that's probably what it's gonna take. I just hate that it's so late in my life. But better late than never, I guess. I just don't know. Am I a writer? a teacher? a mentor? I wish someone would tell me. But I guess nobody can tell me that but me.

Man to be able to do things all over again. The possibility that I'm creating for myself and my life, though, is the possibility of being passionate and fulfilled. Whatever that takes, it's gonna happen. I promise that to myself for myself. I know I love creating things; I'm good at logical stuff and numbers and being organized and that kind of stuff, but I'm never happier than when I'm making up things, be it words or stories or whatever. Why not songs? I could probably be a really great songwriter. I listen to music everyday, all day. But I guess I need to work on mastery. That's where I need to start. I'll need to learn to play an instrument, I guess. I wanna play the guitar, I think. I'll need to take Music theory, or music appreciation or composition or something. Where do I start?! Good grief.

So, I gotta work on my plan. Anybody have any advice?! I'm open to any words of wisdom you can impart. Please post a comment and lemme know what you think. Thanks for helping a brother out. Perhaps this time next week, I'll have a plan in place and will know more about what I'd like to do. I can only hope so!