Homesick: To be or not to be.

Should I be homesick by now? It was a year ago today that I made the move from Houston, Texas to Eden Prairie, Minnesota to start a new life with my partner Jeremy. It was indeed a big move, but I've never regretted it. But people keep asking me if I'm homesick yet. I don't think so.

I do think about the good times I used to spend hanging out with my friends at South Beach on Friday and/or Saturday nites. THAT was a banging club! There's nothing like it here in Minneapolis. I sometimes still wish I could go line up for the free entry and drink specials between 10:30 and 11:00 on those weekend nites. I would dance the nite away. But missing the club doesn't really make me homesick.

I think about the friends that I had grown close to before I left: Ivan, with whom I would have great stimulating conversations; Lonnie, who was my partner in the appreciation of rad music and with whom I have danced many a night away; but I think most of all about my friend Maurice who died the week before I moved away. I still think about that because for a little while I was upset with Maurice for dying. I blamed him for not taking care of himself when he knew he was HIV+. I blamed him for popping ecstasy tabs every weekend, and smoking weed everyday, and not seeing a doctor when he knew he was sick. I think about that because I have to take responsibility for some of that myself. I could have done things to provoke his taking care and doing what was needed. I could see his demise approaching, but I didn't do enough. I guess my verbal warnings just weren't the possibility he needed to be moved by. But, I suppose that's neither here nor that at this point.

So to Maurice I say: I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't take more action in helping you. I thought you were selfish and shallow and conceited, but those were things that should never have mattered. You were my running buddy for years and I should have been more of a friend. I would do things differently now. I know you believe me.

In my thoughts of home, I think about my family. I guess that's what (whom?) I would be homesick for the most. My family and I had so many fun times. When you get a bunch of goofballs like us together, it's always non-stop laughter. It started with my mom, who passed her silliness down to me. I, in turn, am being blamed for influencing my sister's personality, and she indeed is a nut! My brother's picked up some of my comic facial expressions and man, you should meet my nephew. He's an amalgamation of us all! Not good! But whenever we get together, there's nothing but fun!

I think what helps me avoid the homesick bug is the fact that I'm so happy here. Although it's been like a negative 1000 degrees here this winter(!), I genuinely love Minnesota. I love my life with my partner and I love the people that I've met knowing him. I think there really is something to the concept of "Minnesota Nice". How did I get so lucky to be able to meet such great friends and have them accept me into their lives so easily? I've met the best friend I've ever had in my life here. You know who it is; my best buddy Jared. He and his partner are two of the most awesome guys I know. But there's also Jay and Marcella, who love us as if we're their brothers, and their daughter Charlotte as if we're her uncles. And there are no end to people we hang out with who love us and whom we love in return.

Back home, the tolerance level for homosexuals was no where near what it is up north. Here, people are much more accepting and a lot less judgemental. I'm still reeling from the number of inter-racial couples there are here, both straight and gay. It's so alien to what I'm used to encountering. But I've always thought my mentality was different from the majority of the people in Texas. I like to think that I've always had a more progressive outlook on life. Maybe it was reading that opened me up to the world outside of my immediate environment. Whatever it was, I'm thankful for it.

I thnk a lot about how happy my life is with my partner Jeremy. In Houston, I had a different sort of life. I was single, but was ready to settle down and couldn't seem to find anybody that I vibed with. Meeting Jeremy on the internet made a huge difference in my life. I knew once I got to know him that wherever he was, that's where I wanted my home to be. And I don't think I've made many choices in my life that were as wise as that one. Our home may have it's problems (what home doesn't), but I'm thankful for it. As he now lays in bed with his box of tissue and glass of orange juice close at hand, actually "home sick", I completely realize he's one of the main reasons why I don't have that same dilemma. I'm not home sick for one simple reason: I am home.

What if we could capture time?

The concept of time is bewildering. While one person is saying to themselves "where did the time go?" another is thinking "c'mon clock, hurry up!". I've been in both positions many times, but lately find myself constantly not having enough of it. I think it would be safe to say that time is something that people would gladly pay to have more of. But as that's not how it works, time rolls on....

Is there a trick to spending your time, though? I've heard "use your time wisely" often. What does "wisely" mean? Are we to spend it getting an excelerated education with our noses to the grindstone, getting "wiser" and "wiser" all the time? Or would a wise use of your time be sharing as much of it as you can with the ones you love? How about seeing as many places in the world as you can before time eventually runs out? I'm sure the workaholic who spends 12 to 15 hours a day at the office would say they spend their time wisest. I guess that question could be answered in many ways. I don't know that I have an answer for it. I know that trying to find time in the day to do all of the things that I want to do seems to be practically impossible; that is unless I don't wanna get my 8 hours required sleeping every nite, and is that really using my time wisely? :-) (Secret: I rarely get 8 hours. Do you?)

I remember when I was a kid and I had all the time in the world to sit around, read my books, talk on the phone, play jacks,(yep, I played jacks, but I also played marbles, so there!), and do any number of things and not worry about a single tick of the clock. The only time I worried about was that hour and minute when I heard my mom yell "time to get up!" Ugh, I hated that time. But in general, I had no concept of the mystery of time. But, what I wouldn't do to have those days back! Now, it's ALL about time. How much time will it take to go back and finish college? How much time do I need to get a master's degree? How much time will I have before I have to turn my book in at the library? How much time do I have before my car's paid off? How much time before I can be a successful writer? How much time before they send a disconnect notice for the cable bill? It goes on and on and on. Can I just be that 10 year old again who just wanted to go behind the house and play kissing games with cousin Trisha?

It seems the older you get, the faster time goes and of course, the less of it you have. My daily dilemma now sounds like this: How much time can I spend on my writing everyday, but at the same time devote myself to keeping up with my Spanish lessons, WHILE making sure I dedicate a slot to get a work-out in? Let's not forget I have reality shows I need to watch,and a boyfriend who needs attention! Eeesh, and that's just from the time I have from the moment I get off work til my head hits the pillow at night. And not so far in the past, I DID have two other jobs to boot! And somewhere in there, 8 hours of sleep is required. HA! Benjamin Franklin never had to worry about a Family Guy marathon!

I guess the challenge as an adult who now knows the importance of time and how precious it is, is to take every moment you have and cherish it. Don't spend a lot of time doing things that are negative or a waste of your energy and spirit. Do things with your time that make you happy, and that move you closer to fulfillment. If time is a mystery, then surely the concept of happiness is even more of an enigma. But I hope that whereas time will continue to be aloof and pass me by, I'll be able to grab and hold my happiness tightly, understanding it, nourishing it and making it grow. I know I'll have that, as time flies on......

What if.....

What if I were rich and famous? I wonder if in fact my life would be happier? I wonder if Marilyn Monroe or Dorothy Dandridge or even Heath Ledger would live there lives all over again if they were guaranteed long and healthy lives should they forsake the fame and notoriety. I wonder.... Because so many people always think with money there's happiness, with fame there's power. I wonder how powerful Britney Spears feels now that her money and name has created such major chaos in her life. What about Lindsey Lohan?

I can't help but think that my old dreams of being an entertainer drifted away from me because I didn't want to have to share my private self with the public. Probably the gay thing had a lot to do with it. Back then, though, I wasn't secure in my homosexuality the way I am now. But still, today I feel the same as I did back then. I think to be rich and famous is to be exposed, poked and prodded at; goosed, if you will, by the public. I won't pretend that I don't wish I was influential to people and that I was able to grant people some part of myself, but I want to give them what I want to give. Not have them take what I don't. I've done things in my life that I know would not go over well should my mother see it in some tabloid magazine. I have to live with my past mistakes, but sharing them with people I don't want to share them with is just not what I call "fulfilling".

What if Ana Nicole Smith had just shopped in the grocery store that day like a regular person and never been discovered to model? Do you think she'd have become a solid citizen of the country with a hard-working husband and a couple kids? Do you think she'd be happy today? I don't know about that, but maybe she wouldn't be dead.

Life is mysterious. I find that from day to day I'm still trying to figure it all out. I know I should probably quit trying to, but I keep wishing I knew what I was here for. I'd like to think that I shine a positive light on people and that my existence in someway touches people's lives. I know that I'm happy in my life.......but what if......?

What if I were rich? What if I were famous? What if I were rock-solidly built? What if I had perfect teeth and perfectly colored eyes and killer charm? The what if's could go on and on, I imagine. But today, I'm glad to be who I am. I'm blessed to be able to say I have people in my life who love me, a healthy pair of legs that get me up everyday and allow me to move around and appreciate this place we call Earth, and a sense of myself that allows me to be comfortable, hopeful, and happy.........What if that were enough?