What if.....

What if I were rich and famous? I wonder if in fact my life would be happier? I wonder if Marilyn Monroe or Dorothy Dandridge or even Heath Ledger would live there lives all over again if they were guaranteed long and healthy lives should they forsake the fame and notoriety. I wonder.... Because so many people always think with money there's happiness, with fame there's power. I wonder how powerful Britney Spears feels now that her money and name has created such major chaos in her life. What about Lindsey Lohan?

I can't help but think that my old dreams of being an entertainer drifted away from me because I didn't want to have to share my private self with the public. Probably the gay thing had a lot to do with it. Back then, though, I wasn't secure in my homosexuality the way I am now. But still, today I feel the same as I did back then. I think to be rich and famous is to be exposed, poked and prodded at; goosed, if you will, by the public. I won't pretend that I don't wish I was influential to people and that I was able to grant people some part of myself, but I want to give them what I want to give. Not have them take what I don't. I've done things in my life that I know would not go over well should my mother see it in some tabloid magazine. I have to live with my past mistakes, but sharing them with people I don't want to share them with is just not what I call "fulfilling".

What if Ana Nicole Smith had just shopped in the grocery store that day like a regular person and never been discovered to model? Do you think she'd have become a solid citizen of the country with a hard-working husband and a couple kids? Do you think she'd be happy today? I don't know about that, but maybe she wouldn't be dead.

Life is mysterious. I find that from day to day I'm still trying to figure it all out. I know I should probably quit trying to, but I keep wishing I knew what I was here for. I'd like to think that I shine a positive light on people and that my existence in someway touches people's lives. I know that I'm happy in my life.......but what if......?

What if I were rich? What if I were famous? What if I were rock-solidly built? What if I had perfect teeth and perfectly colored eyes and killer charm? The what if's could go on and on, I imagine. But today, I'm glad to be who I am. I'm blessed to be able to say I have people in my life who love me, a healthy pair of legs that get me up everyday and allow me to move around and appreciate this place we call Earth, and a sense of myself that allows me to be comfortable, hopeful, and happy.........What if that were enough?